Sunday, January 01, 2006
happy new year! (i had to force myself to type the exclamation mark) haiz.. i dunno. 2005's gone at the blink of an eye n suddenly i find myself staring at the face of 2006 with
no aspirations, no expectations, n no motivations..
i sent yr 2005 off n ushered 2006 in with sum1 i nv expected myself to, or at least, sum1 i wldnt expect if it was just a little while back. i wldnt say i enjoyed myself or if i din, but i think it went better than i tot it wld. it wasnt as awkward as i tot it'll b tho i admit there was a show of bad attitude on my part at the start cos i was pissed off by some other things. the fireworks were beautiful, but it was so damn crowded n stuffy dat i hardly had enuf air to breathe. somehow, it wasnt as nice as when i watched it with benjamin last yr. mayb cos i went to watch it with a different mood at dat time. anw i dun understand y pple had to scream n exclaim whenever there was a new burst of fireworks, but mayb it's just dat i'm not easily excitable.
i hate countdowns actually.. mainly cos of the maddening crowds, grps of rowdy ppl n the retarded spraying of foams. but surprisingly, i'v nv really been sprayed by any1 b4 despite being at q a number of countdowns in the last few yrs. i think the trick is to walk lyk u cant b bothered n dun make any eye contact with any1 holding a spray can. i think they prefer to spray at pple who r afraid to b sprayed at. i mean, wad's the fun of spraying sum1 who luks lyk she doesnt care n isnt trying to avoid being sprayed? i also dun c wad's the big deal abt a new yr. cynical me. bleahs
there'r lots of things dat i dun have control over. so i think for now i just wan to study properly n not think abt how the end of 2005 sucked. i considered asking him directly if there's a possibility dat we cld get back tog in the future, but i think the answer wld probably b sth abt
"wad's over is over". So, i also dowan to fan4 jian4 n bang my own head against the wall. actually i dun really noe y i havent moved on especially after seeing dat he's pretty happy without me. mayb it shdnt even come as a surprise. after all,
didnt he let me go rather readily? was told dat he luked q sad when i was mentioned, but i think mayb she was just trying to make me feel better. i shd distinguish dat small flickering glimmer of hope dat i still keep sumwhere deep inside. it's unhealthy to "breed" such false hopes.
2day i suddenly realised dat it's true dat love is blind. when u'r swimming in a pool of wad u think is love, u become oblivious to many things. it's probably also true dat outsiders c a clearer picture than those who'r directly involved. but somehow, i find myself missing the
"blinded" times. n i'll feel v sad whenever sum1 asks n i hafta update them. it's q farny really. some ppl only knew abt 'us' when there's nth left. i really feel v sorry for myself for being so
pathetic. dat's lyk the only word i find dat's suitable to describe myself lately.
gotta pack my stuffs n go back to hostel tmr nite, find out wad's wrong with my stupid laptop, exchange textbks with yy, n get ready for the new semester. now i have no external distractions, wad's there to stop me from getting 5 As? i dun care. i must do well. at least if i c 5 As on my results slip i will feel q shuang n my msn nick will go
"YAY!!!!!!!!!!" again. yup.
aim high, work hard, succeed.
random thoughts at 3:41:00 AM
